Who Let the Corn Dogs Out?

Florida fans smell just like corn dogs. Yes, it is often said, but so, so true. Gator fans do smell like corn dogs. I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid they are Googling me from their AOL accounts.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past a Florida fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell Florida fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs. They seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fights involve Camero driving, jean short wearing Gator fans. If you're in Gainesville, I would avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, you boys sure haven’t lost a step this year.”

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about how Munson is feeling. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about Herschel, Rex, Vince, or whatever else.

Instead, your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a SBD: “My good woman, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

The best policy is to avoid getting near them, and thus, not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Smell the nice ones – the ones from Ponte Verdra and St. Augustine. Usually, they’re okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you and your wife and kids for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will throw Natural Lite cans, Boone’s Farm bottles, rubber gators, Motley Crüe cassettes. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

Little Bulldawgs are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel them on how to behave around Gator fans. If UF fans are driving around town in their El Cameno’s and Camero’s, and 4 x 4s, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend.

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these UF fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows? Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Titusville or Starke and they all work there.

Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a swamp perfume. Maybe the governor puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride – to make up to Al Gore. The politics there are weird. The big political issue during city elections is whether they should add more ketchup or mustard to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct down there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Gainesville or Jacksonville, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Florida. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled shrimp, orange juice, or some fancy tropical fruit. Maybe even Cuban sandwiches or black beans if you make to Miami. But just stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister
fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Gators are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the USC game chickens and the whiskey on the Tennessee fans and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Gator fans. Don't refer to the Swamp as corn dog central either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely burn your SUV for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...